The causes of our fear
Fears are unpleasant emotions that arise when we perceive a threat or danger, whether real or imagined. Fears can be adaptive, meaning they help us survive and avoid harm, or maladaptive, meaning they interfere with our daily functioning and well-being.
Some of the common causes of fears are:
- Evolutionary factors: Some fears are innate and shared by most humans, such as the fear of heights, snakes, spiders, or predators. These fears may have helped our ancestors survive in a hostile environment and avoid potential threats.
- Learning factors: Some fears are acquired through direct or indirect experiences, such as the fear of dogs, flying, or public speaking. These fears may result from a traumatic event, such as being bitten by a dog, witnessing a plane crash, or being humiliated in front of an audience. Alternatively, these fears may be learned through observation, such as seeing someone else being afraid of something, or through verbal information, such as hearing about the dangers of something.
- Cognitive factors: Some fears are influenced by our thoughts, beliefs, and expectations, such as the fear of failure, rejection, or death. These fears may stem from negative self-evaluation, unrealistic standards, or exaggerated consequences. For example, someone who fears failure may think that they are incompetent, worthless, or doomed to fail in everything they do.
- Biological factors: Some fears are related to our genetic makeup, brain chemistry, or physiological responses, such as the fear of blood, needles, or pain. These fears may be inherited from our parents, triggered by certain substances or stimuli, or associated with specific bodily sensations. For example, someone who fears blood may have a genetic predisposition to fainting when they see blood, or experience a drop in blood pressure when they encounter blood.
I often feel like most of the time, the original source of our fear is from the fear of death. For example, back in the day when humans were still living in tribes, hunting for living, there was a high chance that one could not survive without their tribe. One’s tribe could protect them, but at the same time could also use that protection power to place rules and orders with the tribe. For the fear of being abandoned and left behind to dead, one had to learn to obey those rules and orders. It was taught through generations to generations that that fear has become a part of our unconscious mind.
Nowadays, even though we most likely will still survive without our tribes, our fear is still present. Say one wrong thing and your tribe will abandon you forever, thus the fear of public speaking. The fear of starting, of letting go, of having joy, of making a mistake, the fear to sit down and have a conversation with ourselves, etc, all would have the same root cause.
Fear is here to help us
My fear
Having a big 7 – a big introverted number- as my heart and destiny number, I love to spend time alone, learning, researching, doing my own things. However, having a 39/12/3 lifepath means that I still have to learn about groups (3), learn to socialize (3), learn to communicate (3). As my 1 is hotwired to my 3 in my lifepath number, the fear of public speaking and socializing is perhaps the biggest fear in my life. Growing up in an Eastern culture means that I cannot always express myself as easily as I want to. I was not allowed to voice my opinions as it might sound disrespectful to the elders, even if I was right. So, I often had to refrain myself from talking as I was afraid of the consequences for saying the wrong things all the time. Communication, therefore, was my biggest weakness and the biggest lesson I had to learn.
Have you ever had a feeling of having the same situation happening to you over and over again?
There is one thing that I have learnt is that the more we run away from our fear, the more it chases after us. The more I run away from communicating with other people, the more it haunts me! Fate was fun enough to put me in the customer service role ever since I entered the work force. But I was still in hiding because I was still so afraid of not saying what people expected me to say. I constantly felt stressed when going to work and it drained me more than the actual workload.
You probably would ask what made me turn around and face my fear?
It one day came to my realization that since I am a 39/12/3, I must learn about communication! And the opportunity to learn has always been there the whole time, only I have always been denying it! So, I thought, if it was meant to support me on my evolutionary journey, then I should make the best use of it. And I decided to take a more proactive approach to work on my weakness.
It was no easy job at all. Up until now, my heart still races, my brain still goes blank, my hands get cold, I still freeze when I talk to people. It takes me quite a while to put words into sentences that don’t offend anyone, while still being correct grammatically. But as I challenge myself and correct my mistakes every time, I get better and better. And I realized how many learning opportunities I could have missed out. Each person I meet is one unique universe with their very own beliefs and philosophies, that if I did not open my mouth and talk to them, I would have missed so many chances to broaden my mind.
Overcoming our fear
Identify and understand your fear
Overcoming our fear is not easy, but as Lao-tse wrote: “A thousand-mile journey starts with one step”. And the very first step to overcome our fear is to admit that we are afraid.
Most of the time, we are often told by ourselves or by others that ” there’s no need to be afraid of, “don’t be such a scaredy-cat”, or “I am not afraid”. But by doing so, we are avoiding looking at our fear directly to understand why we are being afraid, where our weakness lies and then find a solution.
I suggest allowing yourself some time to recognize what triggers your fear. Is it rejection, failure, or something else? Understanding the root cause empowers you to address it effectively.
Grounding technique
Practicing grounding technique can help you maintain stability, pleasure and dissolves and digests discomfort. Grounding works by bringing balance and wellbeing and allowing the digestion of feelings into the psyche. In this case, grounding will help you stay present with your fear and work with it, rather than trying to repress or run away from it.
Progressive body relaxation
When confronted with a perceived threat, our physiological reactions kick in to prepare us for action: our heart rate increases, rapid, shallow breathing, butterflies, or digestive changes, sweating and chills, trembling muscles. Although helpful reactions, they can easily overwhelm us and cloud our judgement of the circumstances. It is therefore important to take a step back, take a big breath and spend a minute or two relaxing our body and mind. You can also practice body relaxation every day to help digest your fear better hence be able to hold more space for your fear the next time you encounter it.
Self-compassion
Acknowledging your fear is not a sign of weakness but instead an act of bravery, meaning you are ready to face your challenge. Overcoming your fear then requires you to give a lot of permissions to yourself: permission to be vulnerable, to admit that you are afraid, or permission to seek the help of a professional, or to give yourself a lot of time to work on it, etc. It may be helpful to cite an affirmation a few minutes each day to create a habit of giving yourself compassion all the time. Below are a few helpful affirmations:
- It is okay to be afraid
- I allow myself to be scared
- My fear is here to communicate with me, not to harm me
- I give myself a lot of time and love when working with my fear
Start small
It is also important to start small. Expose yourself to what you fear gradually and let go of self-criticism and self-judgement when you are unsuccessful the first few times. Remember, mistakes are there to remind us of where we need to work on to improve ourselves. When you have the courage to make mistakes, you are already winning your fear.
Overcoming fear is a powerful step towards personal growth and well-being. I hope the strategies above will be helpful in empowering you to face your fear and overcome it with courage and confidence.
